The Fit-Fab Guide: 7 Surefire Ways to Annoy Everyone at the Gym

Congratulations on your decision to become a beacon of irritation in the fitness community! If your goal is to be notoriously remembered at every gym on the planet, here are seven fail-proof traits to adopt. Don your sweatbands, it's time to rep out that toxic energy!

1. The Olympian-Whisperer

Why aim for personal best when you can live for everyone's worst? Always be sure to groan louder, lift heavier, and collapse dramatically. Remember, if you haven’t triggered at least three members' anxiety, did you even work out?

2. The Darwinian Dietitian

Preach loudly about your diet that's solely based on extinct plants and unicorn tears because science is open to interpretation, right? Anyone eating quinoa and chicken is simply living in the dark ages.

3. The Territorial Tantrum Thrower

Stake your claim on all equipment by stringing your towel like bunting across the gym. Give the stink-eye to anyone who dares to approach within five feet of ‘your’ bench press. This is your jungle!

4. The Form-Police Chief

Roam the gym and bestow unsolicited advice like you're sprinkling holy water. After all, you did watch that entire five-minute clip on form, so you're basically certified. Enlightenment is a gift—share it liberally.

5. The VIP (Very Intimidating Person)

Never smile. You are the alpha, they are the omega. Walk around clanging weights and belting primal calls. Keep headphones in (even if they're not connected), so you maintain that unapproachable aura.

6. The Gym Gossip

Nothing says “fitness” like a strong, nosey personality. Turn the treadmill into the rumor mill. Make sure every stretching session stretches personal boundaries as you share who's been spotting who.

7. The Passive-Aggressive Cheerleader

Motivate others by pointing out the cellulite they must’ve missed. And remember, if they don’t leave the gym crying or deeply questioning their self-worth, you're just not cheering hard enough.