My Story: How anxiety and depression become a superpower

Anxiety and depression can be challenging, and I know that firsthand. The ongoing battle started when I was only 15 years old, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The mental and physical suffering has given me wisdom and shaped me into the person I am today.

Fitness has been my faithful friend through it all, supporting me even before my mental health struggles began. I was already pushing myself as a runner back in grade 4, wanting to outrun all the other kids during our school's field days. By grade 9, I had discovered a whole new world of fitness through resistance training. At first, I only wanted to build muscles like the other girls. As I progressed, I realized how much more working out was doing for me than simply enhancing my appearance.

It was during grade 10 that my anxiety reached a new high. I didn't know what was happening to me, but I felt trapped in deep, dark depression. I questioned the meaning of life and wondered if I would ever find joy again. My thoughts started to spiral out of control, turning to suicide and leading me down a path of self-harm. I even attempted to end my life, both with a gun and an overdose.

Those six months of intense emotions were a turning point for me. Though I'll always carry the weight of what I put friends and family through, and the danger I put myself in, I wouldn't have it any other way. Waking up from a coma(the overdose) gave me the strength to handle any adversity that came my way. No matter how hard things have been, I know I can handle it because I've already been through the worst.

Even after being hospitalized midway through grade 11, my mother saw the value of fitness in my recovery journey. The change of scenery from switching schools motivated me to become stronger than ever before, both physically and mentally. I realized that the two go hand in hand. Fitness has been my constant companion, and I wouldn't be where I am today without it.

Growing stronger through strength training allowed me to gain muscle and achieve new heights. But just when I thought I had it all, fate had other plans. During a wrestling match, I heard a pop in my knee and everything that followed was a test of my will. Despite the injury, I kept pushing myself, hoping to heal in time for track and field season. But my knee had other ideas and soon it became a recurring pain lingering on till I graduated from high school.

I never wanted to let go of my identity as an athlete, so I turned to rowing, hoping it would be kinder to my troubled knee. But even that sport wasn't enough to save me from another knee injury. This time, it was a torn ACL, and I was determined not to let it destroy my passion for sports.

Through grit and determination, I pushed on, waiting until after my rowing season to undergo surgery. But my eagerness to run again caused new issues; I "healed quick" and paid the price with multiple pulled hamstring muscles. Despite it all, I refuse to give up on my love of sports, pushing forward towards a brighter, stronger tomorrow.

Let me tell you about the struggles I faced in my journey of recovery after my ACL reconstruction surgery. The surgery involved using part of my hamstring tendon to create a new ACL, leaving me with a weakened tendon and a good amount of scar tissue from the pull during rehab. Despite the highs and lows of the recovery process, I always felt like I was permanently damaged. However, with a goal of making a comeback, I pushed myself hard and hit personal bests on the squat at month 6, albeit with awful form.

But, the compensations from my poor technique led to hip pain and an impingement that tore the cartilage in my hip, leaving me with even more potential for arthritis. As an athlete, quitting was never an option, so I tried to find ways to stay active while dealing with my hip issue. When I knew that surgery was inevitable, I decided to get ahead of it and prep my body as much as possible beforehand.

It was my second major surgery before the age of 25, but this time, I made the rehab process a priority and learned more about movement and the human body than ever before. With each setback followed by a comeback, I have come to understand that adversity is a part of the journey. We have a choice to accept our fate or fight it. And that's what defines us.

I'll tell you something about physical setbacks: they can take you to the worst spots. At least, that's what happened to me. Every time I thought about the future, I couldn't help but wonder if I'd be okay. I'd wonder if I'd be able to be myself, to do what I loved, to be happy. All those negative thoughts were even more concerning when you added my history of depression. It felt like a never-ending cycle of anxiety and worry.

But, you know what? Going through this was a blessing in disguise. It helped me to become a better, more knowledgeable trainer. I wanted to make sure that I had the best chance to recover, and so I did everything I could to make that happen. And, in doing so, I also found a way to help others who were going through similar struggles.

I think the main thing I learned is that everyone has their own set of struggles, but it's how you deal with them that counts. Even when things seem bleak, you have to remind yourself that there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's not today, or tomorrow, but it's out there. So, take control of things by putting practices in place for a better future. For me, that means working out, mobility exercises, correctional exercise, getting out into sunlight, getting enough sleep, and eating right.

It's up to you to do the work. No one else is going to take care of you mentally or physically, even if they care about you. That's one of the biggest lessons I learned, and it's changed my life for the better. Today, I move better and experience less joint pain than ever before. The struggles of my recovery journey taught me that setbacks can be opportunities for growth. So, whenever life knocks me down, I remember that I have survived every day so far and that I can get through anything. The mental and the physical go hand in hand, learning that I could go through all of the mental issues helped me get through the physical, getting through the physical helped me to get through the mental. In the end I have so much to draw on in times of need, those little reminders can be an important well to draw from. The strength within that has been built up over the years is far from tapped out, if anything I’m always thinking of ways to fill it up more. I know there are days ahead that I’m preparing for, that’s why it’s a blessing to go through struggles now, mentally physically, emotionally, because in the future there will be struggle again.