5 Surefire Ways to Avoid Good Health and Great Shape

Tired of feeling good and looking great? Well, you're in luck! Today, we're diving into the world of anti-health with a guide to the top 5 habits that are guaranteed to make sure your fitness and wellness goals remain just that—goals! If you've ever wondered how to avoid feeling energized, how to look in the mirror and sigh, or simply how to fully commit to the sweet, unbreakable bond with your couch, you're in for a treat. Welcome to the "Top 5 Habits to Get Sick and Out of Shape." Buckle up (or don't, that requires effort) and get ready to sabotage your health like a pro.

1. Prioritize Binge-Watching Over Movement

Why go for a quick 20-minute walk when the next episode of Love Is Blind is auto-playing in 5 seconds? Seriously, they might find love—don’t risk missing out on that groundbreaking plot twist! Plus, who needs fresh air and physical activity when you can stretch yourself emotionally over their shallow love lives? Exercise can wait; knowing whether they say, “I do” cannot.

Reality Check:

What if we told you that you could actually watch Netflix AND stretch on the floor? Crazy, right? Or, even better, walk on a treadmill while catching up on your favorite shows. Don’t worry; those plot twists will still be dramatic whether you’re standing or walking.

2. Fast Food Should Be Your Food Pyramid

Who needs silly things like balanced meals and nutrients when you can have a burger topped with a single leaf of lettuce (which is basically salad)? Mix things up by rotating your fast-food visits—you know, for diversity. Fries? A perfect substitute for vegetables. And who could forget the milkshake? It has milk in it, so… calcium AND dessert. Double win.

Reality Check:

Sure, drive-thrus are convenient, but you don’t have to order every meal from one. How about making a homemade burger? That way, you control the ingredients (and bonus, you won’t pass out from carb overload afterward). Your future self will thank you when you realize how much money and bloat you’ve saved.

3. Snooze Button = Personal Trainer

Plan an early morning workout, then hit snooze—five times. You’ve basically done cardio already, right? And besides, getting out of bed early is SO overrated. Plus, you stayed up until 2 a.m. watching the latest season of Love Is Blind, congratulations on prioritizing your life correctly.

Reality Check:

Newsflash: The snooze button isn’t doing you any favors. If you want to feel less groggy, try setting your alarm 30 minutes later and actually get out of bed once it goes off. Or prepare yourself the night before with workout clothes laid out—it might guilt-trip you into moving.

4. Keep Soda as Your Water Replacement

Hydration is for chumps. If soda is carbonated water, then you're pretty much nailing it, right? Bonus points if you opt for diet soda—it’s got “diet” in the name, so that’s health-forward thinking right there. And water? Ugh, BORING.

Reality Check:

Look, we get it—water doesn’t sparkle (okay, unless it’s sparkling water). But dehydration can make you feel like a wilted plant. Try flavoring your water with lemon, cucumber, or berries to add some pizzazz. Keep soda as an occasional treat, not your hydration strategy.

5. Procrastinate Like It’s an Olympic Sport

Why lift a weight or take a jog when the exercise can just as easily be done tomorrow (or next month, honestly, who’s counting)? The best part about procrastinating on fitness is that it sets you up for an epic future comeback. Plus, right now is so not the right time because you have to know if the couples on Love Is Blind are still together post-reunion. Priorities!

Reality Check:

We’re all procrastinators sometimes, but tomorrow isn’t magical—it looks a lot like today. Start small. A 10-minute walk or a quick yoga session can work wonders. Once you get moving, you might actually start liking it (shocker, we know).

Why These Habits "Work" (Spoiler Alert: They Don't)

The psychology behind these habits is simple—they’re easy, comforting, and don’t challenge you to step out of your routine. And hey, who doesn’t love excuse-making? Unfortunately, these habits are also your ticket to poor health, low energy, and never-ending sluggishness. Not so fun, huh?

Want to break free from these habits? Flip the script and take small, manageable steps toward healthier alternatives. It’s easier than you think (and doesn't mean abandoning your Love Is Blind obsession, because let's be real—we're all hooked).

We Want to Hear YOUR "Anti-Health" Recipes for Disaster

We hope you’ve enjoyed this sarcastic little stroll through unhealthy life choices. Now, it’s your turn! What anti-health habits have you mastered? Share them in the comments below and give us all a good laugh. Or, if this blog struck a nerve in the best way possible, tell us about the first small change you’re planning to make.